The Frustration!!!

I’m calmer now, but if I would have sat down an hour ago to do this post, it would have been laced with massive doses of profanity. I’m frustrated. I did my Month 5 stats this morning instead of tomorrow because I’m going out to dinner tonight. Date night… Yay! That d*amm scale and my d*amm pair of control pants (the ones I try on every month) have done me in… again! It was UP a pound and my control pants are not the least bit looser. I took pictures but since my computer crashed, I can’t go back and compare them to last month or the month before.

Five months… five months of Crossfit 3x a week… one solid month of no grains (except for one meal and one side dish of fried okra, both while on vacation)… the only thing left in my diet that is not paleo is butter and the occasional 90% dark chocolate. Heck, the only thing I’ve had that even resembles a grain were a few paleo brownies for my birthday. I don’t “paleofy” anything, though I probably will on occasion when I reach my goal size. A girl can’t live forever without a blueberry muffin or a pancake! There was an awful hour of preparing Easter baskets for the kids, and I did eat a small bit of it. It was enough to push my morning glucose to 111 the next morning.Ā 

I’ve been tracking my calories to see if that might be the problem. I’m averaging 2200-2300 a day. After speaking with a coach friend, I’m going to try to stay under 2000 for a while and see if that makes a difference. I’m also going to up my leafy greens, cut out some of the nut butters, and stop buying the 90% dark chocolate except for “that time” every month. (Let’s be honest here… I need SOME chocolate or my family will kill me!) He sent me a nice link about crossfit and calories that I want to go back and read a few more times.Ā 

One of my coaches says I need to add another workout in every week or run 800 meters after every crossfit workout. My gym contract is ending in a month and I’m going to try to talk my very indulgent and loving Hubs into moving to the unlimited plan instead of the 3x a week plan. Until then, I guess I’ll attempt to pathetically walk/run 800 meters after class.

I was looking in the mirror today and I just can’t believe how hard this is! It’s freaking HARD! Surely it’s going to get easier, right??? Jumping 20 inches on a box (which I have not yet done) MUST be easier at 175lbs instead of 250+, right? Pulling 175lbs of body weight up to a pullup MUST be easier than not being able to do it at 250+. I feel like I’m working my arse off, which I’m obviously NOT because my big arse is still very much there… and now I’m realizing that as hard as I think I’m working, I am going to have to work harder to accomplish what I want to accomplish. I want to be healthy. I want to be normal. I want to be able to walk into a store and buy something from the regular clothing section. I want people to look at me and see ME and not a middle-aged, overweight, frumpy woman. Having my Hub’s co-workers think he has a hot wife would be a bonus!Ā 

I’m not giving up. I can’t. I don’t want to throw away all of this dang hard work. I want it to mean something. So I’m only one pants size and 14 pounds smaller… there have been other changes that are pretty darn great. My glucose is basically normal, even after dropping one of my meds. I’m hoping to drop another one in the next couple of weeks. My skin looks better. My hippie hair is looking more hippy-ish these days. And while the waists on my jeans remain the same, my butt is clearly baggier. I can lift 100 MORE POUNDS than I could just a few months ago. That’s HUGE!!! So… being the hot trophy wife my Hubs deserves might take me a lot longer than I thought and the road might be a hell of a lot harder than I ever imagined. I’m still fighting. There will be no white towels today!


3 thoughts on “The Frustration!!!

  1. I appreciate the honesty and the frustrations. It’s not easy, and it can be incredibly demoralizing. I’ve been there, and I know how it feels, and how sometimes it just doesn’t make sense. Sometimes you eat close to perfect and gain weight. Sometimes you cheat and end up losing a pound! It doesn’t always make sense, but it is worth it. Good luck – and keep with it! I really enjoy reading your posts and updates. And yeah – you can lift 100 more pounds than just a few months ago – there’s always that!! šŸ˜‰

    • Thank you so much for the support!!! It really means a lot and helps to know people have been there, done that, and paved the way for me to follow! And come hell or high water, I am going to follow!
      Thanks!!! šŸ™‚

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