This Weird Thing Happened at the Box Today

After the workout, we had to do a Cash Out… that one last little bit of work before we can walk out the door. Today’s Cash Out was a Farmer’s Carry using a couple of kettle bells, 35# each. We had to walk 200 meters, which was really more like 250 because it’s 25 meters just to get to the newly updated start line. But, I digress…

We all lined up and I joked about it not being a race… and off we went. I went all the way down to the 100 meter mark, turned around to come back, and noticed I was ahead of everyone. Huh??? Expecting to tank on the 100 meters back and be quickly overtaken, I started on the second leg of my journey. That didn’t happen. Funny thing… I crossed the 200 meter mark, turned around, and there wasn’t anyone even that close to me. WHAT??? How the heck did that happen??? I’m the girl who is ALWAYS last… always.

It was freaky! I double checked my weights… I triple checked my weights… Surely I’d gotten 25# kettle bells by mistake. No… So… I’ve decided it’s a combination of everyone else being super tired from Rx-ing the WOD… and six full years of being a twin Mommy, carrying my HUGE twins up and down stairs, across stores, through grocery stores, and everywhere else you can think of. They were SUPER big before they were mobile, and there was a lot of car seat carrying… for a long time! I can still carry them both up the stairs at the same time… 110# together.

It seems really silly, and a bit self-absorbed, to do a whole post about finishing the Cash Out first… It’s not even a real WOD, just the Cash Out, where people probably weren’t going all out, just trying to get it done… but y’all, this is the VERY FIRST TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE that I’ve been first in ANYTHING even remotely related to fitness!!! As melodramatic as this sounds, I’m going to remember this for the rest of my life!!!

I celebrated by promptly parking my butt on the couch and watching a 2-hour documentary about Einstein’s development of his Theory of Relativity. I am, after all, a Nerd! 😉

Advertisements

Anxiety Won Today

Sometimes I make a great choice… sometimes I don’t. It’s important for me to document the bad choices so next time I’ll make a different one. 

Despite what my constantly-updated Facebook page and my new blog would lead you to believe, the truth is, I’m an introvert. My friends laugh when I say that, but face to face situations among large groups are hard for me. I don’t like to be noticed because the number one thing people notice about me is my size. I’ve spent practically a whole life hiding.

Today there was one class at my gym and it was going to be PACKED! Not only that, but it was Memorial Day Murph. I’ve only ever “done” Murph once and since I rowed the first mile, and quit 70% into the rest of it, I don’t think it counts. The anxiety of being in a gym crowded with uber amounts of fit people… all faster than me… got the best of me last night and I just couldn’t make myself go. It wasn’t just the crowd. If I’m being honest, it was the running as well. I’m new at running and it’s hard for me. I’m slow. I walk A LOT! People were going to be putting in 7 minute miles and I have no idea what my mile is, but it’s probably well over 15 minutes on a very good day! Being last in a small class of super-supportive friends is one thing… being last in front of an enormous group of fit people… well, I chickened out. 😦

I’ve spent most of the day vacillating between regretting my decision not to go and being relieved. I did go to one giant group workout one other Holiday. I tanked it and was very embarrassed, though I’m sure no one really noticed. It wasn’t a For Time workout so everyone started and finished together. I think it made it a bit easier for me.

During a big moment of regret, I took the twins and my doggie for an extra long walk this afternoon. There was even running. At one point, one of the twins was begging me to stop because he kept falling behind. lol! That may be the first time in my life that I out-ran one of my children! When we got back, the doggie spent the next 10 minutes standing right in front of a fan. She’s never “run” with Mommy before. 

I do feel awful about not going to class today. It’s the first time I’ve ever NOT gone to class without a good reason. It didn’t help that the Hubs said I looked bloated today. Ugh! I am bloated today. :*( I’m feeling yucky and I honestly think that had I gone to the gym, no matter how I did, I’d be feeling a whole heck of a lot better about myself than I am right now. 

So… Note to Self:  Next time you’re battling the anxiety of being a big fat failure in front of a large group of uber-fit strangers… DO IT ANYWAY! No matter how it turns out, you’ll feel better than you do right now. 

Crossfit Total!

My very favorite workout!!! Crossfit Total is the cumulative weights of three specific lifts, back squat, strict press, and deadlift. Every 2-3 months, my gym does this so we can all see how much progress we’ve made. Every time it comes around, I am scared as heck that I’m not going to perform and make no progress. Every time it comes around, I’m astounded. 

I try hard not to pay attention to the weight totals as I’m working my way up to a one rep max. During the back squat, I successful did a lift, realizing simultaneously that I could go heavier and that it was my previous one rep max. AWESOME!!! My previous back squat was 205# and my new one rep max is 230#!!! I was THRILLED! I can almost back squat ME!!! lol!

The Strict Press was next. Last time, I was unable to match my previous one rep max of 105#, coming in at 100#. This time, I successfully matched the 105#. I’d like to see more progress, but something has been going on with my arms for the last few months. Things like Downward Dog and Inch Worms hurt the joint between my shoulder and my arm. Boy push ups also hurt more than they did a few months ago. Maybe I’m sleeping funny because it hurts a lot at night. I’m in a wait and see mode since it’s not getting any worse. I’ll take the 105# and be happy to maintain for a while longer.

My Deadlift went up as well. I easily did 225#, my previous one rep max, but then something happened and I tanked. I tried higher numbers and failed, finally working my way back down to 235#.

I’m happy with 235#, but I have to admit it smarted my arse that the girl next to me did 250#! Makes me want to go out there and work harder. I always say that I’m not a very competitive person, but I think sometimes I am. There are so few opportunities for a fat girl to get respect, and lifting is one of them, but only if you are one of the best. Rest assured, I’m going to kill myself to get my Deadlift up there. 250#… here I come!!!

Comfortable in Your Own Skin

I’ve been thinking a lot about body image and body sizes. I can’t help but compare myself to all of the women around me, wondering how comfortable they are in their own skin. I wonder if my own discomfort with my body is as evident as it is on some women’s faces. I wonder if I’ll ever get to a place of acceptance and comfort. Considering I’m 42, and it hasn’t happened yet, I’m not holding out too much hope…. just a little hope… a tiny space inside of my head that thinks it might still happen.

I probably need to work on fixing my disordered thinking first. I know something is wrong with my perceptions, but I’m not yet sure how to fix it. I see a woman and I think she appears to be about my size. I think she looks pretty good, doesn’t stand out too much in the gym, working hard, etc. Inevitably, in the course of becoming friends, I find out that she is nowhere near my size. She’s several sizes smaller. Every time it happens (and it happens quite a bit) I get a little shock. I’m confronted with the reality that I am clearly BIGGER than I think I am. I remember an exercise from 20+ years ago, when my eating disorder therapist had me draw a picture of myself. She said my arms and legs were accurate, but I’d drawn my core much smaller than it was in reality. That was a difficult exercise.

But wait… there’s even more crazy…

There’s another part of my brain that has the opposite problem. Sometimes I perceive myself as much bigger than I am. This is most noticed looking at pictures at least a few years old, when I was smaller. I look at the pictures and now, I think I look fine. Overweight, sure… but nothing drastic, nothing to make the Jerry Springer knocking down a wall and pulling out the fat chick show. When the pictures were taken, I was sure I was a few bites of away from getting Jerry’s call.

I’m left all confused and wondering if my brain is ever going to show me a realistic picture. Some mornings, I look at my double chin and I think it’s getting better. Last night, I was getting my hair trimmed and I couldn’t believe how BIG my chin was. Crazy-making, people… crazy-making!

It’s not like I can depend on other people for the truth either. People who love me see me through their filter of love, which makes everything better. People who are my friends would never want to hurt my feelings.

Have I confused you all yet? I’m certainly confused… and not at all comfortable in my own skin. I do know I feel great when I lift something heavy. I also feel great when I see a new muscle that I didn’t know I had. That tiny part of my brain that is still hoping to find body image normality is hoping lifting heavy things with great speed will get me where I want to go. Oh… and plan B is to start saving for liposuction. I’m getting rid of this damm chin any way I can!

Happy Six Month Crossfit-versary!!!

I can’t believe it’s been SIX MONTHS! :faint: I’ve never done anything in my entire life for six whole months. I’m still just as excited about Crossfit now as I was in the beginning, which amazes me. I love Olympic Lifting and the cardio portion generally involves weights. I can’t think of a more perfect combination for me! I’m hooked!!!

Being a Mom, a stay-at-home Mom of five, means I’m usually the bottom of the totem pole. It’s the job. The needs of your kids come first. When my last two babies went to Kindergarten this past Fall (yep, twins!), I decided the time was finally right to put myself first a bit. It was a very strange feeling. First and foremost on my list was to find a Crossfit box. I’d had my eye on a box for several months, but the timing, and the money, just wasn’t right. It took a few months, but I attended the beginners seminars in October and had my very first Crossfit class November 5th.

Honestly, I was TERRIFIED to walk into that Crossfit box… TERRIFIED to walk into that first real class. It might be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done…. a very fat, overweight woman walking into a class full of fit and healthy hard core crossfitters. I did it! I still don’t know how I did it. I just know I wanted to be there so badly that I would have done nearly anything. The people were great! They were friendly, kind, encouraging, and all around awesome! Within 3 weeks people were treating me like I was part of the group, which amazed me since they were all healthy and fit. It was like that old Sesame Street song, “Which one of these things is not like the other?” lol! In the past I’ve gone to the same yoga class for an entire year and I still didn’t say more than a few words to the people around me. My box friends included me from the beginning, encouraged me when I felt like I was making no progress, and celebrated with me when I hit new successes. It feels like we are all connected and that connection is a big part of my success!

Success??? YES… I’m going to call my first six months in Crossfit a HUGE Success! The eating disordered part of my brain immediately screams that I have so much more to go and that I’m still fat… well, yes. I do still have far to go and I am still fat… but that doesn’t negate my first six months as a HUGE SUCCESS!!!

18 pounds
2 jeans sizes
5 inches on my bra strap
7.5 inches on my waist

I’ve also been 80%-ish Paleo for the last two months. Who knows how many pounds of muscle I’ve gained… but it must be a whole heck of a lot because I’m lifting 100 more pounds now in my back squat and my dead lift. Today, I’m going to try my hardest to shut off the disordered part of my brain and focus on my successes. I really have succeeded! I did it! Sure, I have more to do… but for right now, today, I am succeeding!!! I wonder what life will be like six months from now…. 🙂