Anxiety Won Today

Sometimes I make a great choice… sometimes I don’t. It’s important for me to document the bad choices so next time I’ll make a different one. 

Despite what my constantly-updated Facebook page and my new blog would lead you to believe, the truth is, I’m an introvert. My friends laugh when I say that, but face to face situations among large groups are hard for me. I don’t like to be noticed because the number one thing people notice about me is my size. I’ve spent practically a whole life hiding.

Today there was one class at my gym and it was going to be PACKED! Not only that, but it was Memorial Day Murph. I’ve only ever “done” Murph once and since I rowed the first mile, and quit 70% into the rest of it, I don’t think it counts. The anxiety of being in a gym crowded with uber amounts of fit people… all faster than me… got the best of me last night and I just couldn’t make myself go. It wasn’t just the crowd. If I’m being honest, it was the running as well. I’m new at running and it’s hard for me. I’m slow. I walk A LOT! People were going to be putting in 7 minute miles and I have no idea what my mile is, but it’s probably well over 15 minutes on a very good day! Being last in a small class of super-supportive friends is one thing… being last in front of an enormous group of fit people… well, I chickened out. 😦

I’ve spent most of the day vacillating between regretting my decision not to go and being relieved. I did go to one giant group workout one other Holiday. I tanked it and was very embarrassed, though I’m sure no one really noticed. It wasn’t a For Time workout so everyone started and finished together. I think it made it a bit easier for me.

During a big moment of regret, I took the twins and my doggie for an extra long walk this afternoon. There was even running. At one point, one of the twins was begging me to stop because he kept falling behind. lol! That may be the first time in my life that I out-ran one of my children! When we got back, the doggie spent the next 10 minutes standing right in front of a fan. She’s never “run” with Mommy before. 

I do feel awful about not going to class today. It’s the first time I’ve ever NOT gone to class without a good reason. It didn’t help that the Hubs said I looked bloated today. Ugh! I am bloated today. :*( I’m feeling yucky and I honestly think that had I gone to the gym, no matter how I did, I’d be feeling a whole heck of a lot better about myself than I am right now. 

So… Note to Self:  Next time you’re battling the anxiety of being a big fat failure in front of a large group of uber-fit strangers… DO IT ANYWAY! No matter how it turns out, you’ll feel better than you do right now. 


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