Happy Thursday

It’s been a busy, busy couple of weeks and I feel like I haven’t had much to say about any one topic. I do, however, have lots of little things to say.

Since I’ve been here last, obesity has now officially been declared a disease. I’m shaking my head. Having spent time working in an alcohol/drug addiction treatment facility that used the AA model, I was indoctrinated that Alcoholism is a disease… that any kind of addiction was a disease. I guess it isn’t too far of a leap then to say obesity is a disease since most people don’t get obese without an addiction to food. I’m just not able to wrap my head around it. Saying that I have the disease of obesity feels wrong on every level. Thinking of it as a disease takes away my personal power and my personal responsibility. I can’t cure a great and powerful disease. I need to go to doctors and nutritionists and really smart people with lots of letters after their names to cure a disease. It makes me feel more like a victim, unable to help myself.

I think I understand one of the reasons why they (whoever made up the committee) did it. Classifying obesity as a disease opens up a lot of doors to people seeking a medical solution by forcing insurance companies to pay for treatments and procedures not usually covered. Think of the money drug companies alone will make on new drugs. On the other hand, it is my understanding that the people on the committee were in the bariatric field, so the more people who have surgery, the more money they get.

I certainly don’t know the answer, but I know that I am responsible for the condition that I’m in and I’m the one responsible for getting me healthy again. No doctor or nutritionist is going to give me a magic pill or do it for me. I don’t ever want to be a sad, frumpy woman in the corner, victim to this horrible obesity disease.

So, how am I doing with this new horrible obesity disease… 😉  I’m doing fine. My eating is somewhat back on track, but there’s still some tightening that needs to happen. A bit too much sugar slips in here and there… and today, at the movies… well, there was popcorn. I haven’t had popcorn in probably a year, and it was a movie… and I know, no excuses!

The exercise front is going well. I’m consistently at the box 3 days a week and I’m still getting stronger. I can see different muscles getting more defined. Oh, sure, they are still covered in fat, but I’m getting there. We did something the other day that just about killed me! In the nearly eight months that I’ve been doing Crossfit, I have never been as sore as the week after doing a 10 rep max on back squats. Oh holy heck was I sore! Now… I can’t wait to do it again. The weight didn’t seem that high (155#) but it was the reps that got me!

And today…. today I started the Couch 25k program!!! Yay! I’ve been talking about it for several months, and today, I did it! Week 1, Day 1 went very well. I was able to evenly breathe through my nose the entire time. My plan is to do it on my non-Crossfit days to help build up my endurance. I must run slower on a treadmill than in real life because my times seemed way off. The heat index today was 101, so a treadmill was the only way this program was going to happen. Maybe Saturday won’t be as bad and I can run outside. I keep joking that I’m training for the Krispy Kreme Doughnut 5k. By the time you stop at each doughnut station, you’ve eaten a full dozen when you get to the end. lol! Funny… but not for me. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’d LOVE to eat a dozen doughnuts… but that defeats the whole purpose, no?

I still haven’t gotten on the scale. At first, it was because my self esteem couldn’t take the hit right before my parents visited. Lately, it’s because I’m pretty sure no number is going to be good enough. When I say I’m hoping to lose 5 pounds from last time, that’s not really true. I’m hoping to lose 10 pounds. If I say 10, well I’m really, deep down inside hoping to lose 15… and if by some miracle I did hit 15, I’d be mad that it wasn’t 16. I think so much time has passed (6 or 7 weeks) that no number on the scale will make me happy. I can tell you that it doesn’t FEEL like I’ve lost much weight in the last 2 months, so that alone is enough to keep me from stepping on that evil little box. No good can come from that. I am happy that my pants are a bit looser than last month. From that, I know I’m heading in the right direction. I have to go back to the endo the end of July so I might just hold off all the way until then and let her scale be my official weight.

So, that’s it… nothing big and nothing important… just the ramblings of someone trying to get healthy. Happy Thursday!


An Emotional Plateau

It’s not really a plateau, as much as it’s a step backwards and then a plateau. I’m hanging in there… not doing “great” but not doing so badly either. It’s been a very, very stressful week. My parents are visiting this week, which has been great. My daughter had a 5th grade promotion ceremony. It meant spending the whole day with my immediate family, my parents, my ex, and my former in-laws… all great people… but stressful none-the-less. 

Paleo??? Um…. yeah… things were going well up until the day of my daughter’s ceremony, Thursday. The stress was a bit too much for me and lunch consisted of Olive Garden’s Soup/Salad/Breadsticks… and there might have been a piece of cake… or two… in there. Since then, I’ve tried to re-group. I’ve been partially successful, but once again, my defenses were down, my emotions were stressed, and there was Father’s Day cake…. and cannoli. :*( I’m sure I’m also a bit unsettled about my daughter leaving for three weeks to visit her grandparents. Sure, the first week will be great, but then I’m really going to start missing her. She leaves tomorrow. 

My parents will be leaving on Tuesday, and after that, things will settle back down to normal. I have been able to maintain my Crossfit schedule, despite the chaos. I even managed a 6am class on the day of my daughter’s graduation. I think it’s keeping me semi-sane and keeping my eating semi-on-track. It’s been a great visit with my parents. As any overweight daughter with a thin mother can attest, sometimes things can be a bit rocky. Eventually, we learned to ignore the elephant in the room. Really, it’s a no-win situation for all involved. There is never a non-trigger-filled way to talk about weight, diet, eating habits, etc. My father did make a point of telling me that he can really see how much weight I’ve lost and that meant a lot. They leave on Tuesday and I probably won’t see them again until Christmas. I’m already wondering how I’ll look by then… will it be enough of a change from now??? 

My plan is to detox, detox, detox! All that bread, cake, etc has me feeling down, both physically and emotionally. Time to re-group, re-focus, and keep going! I have a Crossfit class at 9am, and it’s a great way to start out the week! It’s been a little step backwards and then a plateau… it’s not an all-out pig fest. It’s an easy recover…. I can do this! I will do this!!!

Age of Confusion

What do you do when you’re getting a million different pieces of diet/fitness advice, all thrown at you at once? It can be really confusing… eat this, eat that, don’t ever eat that… Eat more, eat less, always count calories/fat/protein/carbs… don’t count anything. Once people find out your doing X style of eating, They seem to revel in telling you why it won’t work and you need to be doing Y style. It’s even worse when you’re watching them drop weight right before your eyes and you’re not. Recently, two different people dropped 30 pounds each doing two different things, causing the rest of us to question what we’re doing and why we’re not dropping 30 pounds like that.

I’ve really been thinking about this because what DO you do when people around you are dropping weight doing X, Y, Z and you aren’t. My first question is what kind of weight are they dropping. Are they dropping water weight? Heaven forbid, are they dropping muscle weight??? It happens more than most people realize. What does their body look like? Are they becoming more defined, meaning, are they gaining muscle while losing fat… or are they becoming yet another in a long line of skinny fat people. You know what I’m talking about… people who are thin, sometimes even skinny, but they have absolutely no muscle tone at all. They can hardly pick up their kids let alone a box of cat litter or a big bag of garden dirt.

As I’m progressing along, I’m becoming much more comfortable with how my body is changing and what I’m doing to make those changes occur. I might have only lost 20 pounds in the last 7 months compared to these 30-pounds-in-three-months people, but I can assure you that every single one of those pounds was fat. Not only that, but when you add in the massive muscle I’ve gained, I have lost a great deal more than just 20 pounds of fat. I’ve been told by someone I trust that it’s probably closer to 35 pounds of fat lost and 15 pounds of muscle gained. Suddenly my paltry 20 pounds is stacking up pretty well against Mr 30 Pounds, wouldn’t you say.

In the end, I’ve cleared up my confusion by just picking one thing and going for it. Right or wrong, I committed to Crossfit and mostly Paleo, and by goodness I’m seeing it through. In the past, I went with diet X, until someone convinced me to go with diet Y, which then let to switching to diet Z… and I not only didn’t lose anything, I ended up much worse than when I began. So… I’m staying the course and ignoring all of the X, Y, Z people, and politely nod when I receive advice, mostly keeping my mouth shut. Who knows, maybe it’s not the way of eating that’s important, maybe it’s the commitment to it that matters. I don’t know.

As for my choice, I’m all in… and I’m seeing some great results. I’ve avoided the scale for the last month, but I’m feeling great, I’m looking better, and my endurance is growing. Today, I even finished Jerry with a great-for-me time of 36:26, something unthinkable a few short months ago. Oh yes… I’m all in!

It’s the Little Victories

Sometimes I catch myself so focused on the big picture that I miss all the little victories that are happening every day… nearly every time I step into the box. I have to remind myself to step back and look at what I’m doing that I couldn’t do before. I finally nailed a 20 inch box jump for the first time, today. It was awesome! I’ve been working my way up with a 12 inch box and plates. I finally did it! I don’t know if I will be able to do 20 inch box jumps in a WOD yet, but it’s coming. There are lots of other little victories… doing 18 burpees in 2 minutes. I might have been last, but I can assure you that doing 18 burpees in ANY amount of minutes was something I could not do a few short months ago. Next time I’ll go for 20. Little Victories!

Speaking of last… I noticed this week that I’m not ALWAYS last anymore! Oh, sure, I’m still in the bottom, and still last more times than I care to be, but I’m not always the last one to finish any more. Little Victories!

And while I’m convinced my waist is not getting even the tiniest bit smaller, the rest of me is changing. I have more muscle definition in my legs. I have more flexibility in my hips. I went down a size in my shirts. I can bend over a bar now and not have my stomach get in the way. Today, I made the switch from sumo dead lifts to regular dead lifts, and I did it. Little Victories.

It’s hard to see all the little things that are changing, the little victories, when the big goals seem so far away, and still so unreachable… but I’m determined to get there. I’m getting really excited about hitting the 8th month mark, next month. 8 months… That’s well over half a year… that’s 4 short months shy of a whole year… THAT will be a victory!

Reverse Fran… Not Nearly as Much Fun as Reverse Cowgirl! ;)

But still lots of fun!

At first, I thought it just meant reversing the order of pull-ups and thrusters. No problem there. Then I realized the whole thing is reversed, starting with 9 and ending with 21. What Holy Hell is this??? Turns out, it’s not so bad. I kinda liked it. I warmed up hitting 105# thrusters and dropped my Reverse Fran weight down to 55. It was fun. My time was 7:31.

Afterwards, spent a little time with some great women lifters and went to muscle failure a few times on chest presses. I might be a bit sore tomorrow. lol! I had to leave earlier than I wanted to and didn’t get to do back squats with them. Next time…

I’m supposed to do a monthly check in and weigh myself tomorrow or the next day, taking my monthly pics. The anxiety has already started. I don’t know if I’ll actually get on that scale. It feels like nothing has changed. Also, my family is coming to visit soon and that brings a whole other set of anxieties. My plan is to just keep doing what I’m doing. I’m not sure I can handle a crushing ZERO weight loss right before their visit… or goodness forbid, a GAIN!!! I know the scale isn’t supposed to matter, but since my one pair of jean shorts are still tight and hasn’t gotten the least bit looser, I just don’t have any hard core evidence that I’m still getting smaller. A great number on the scale would be that evidence… but it would also be a crushing blow if it went up.

I’ve been thinking about doing a Whole 30. I’m generally Paleo, but Whole 30 is a bit more restrictive. I’m not clear on my motives, and I think the right motive makes all the difference in my success. Am I dong it because I want to get a bit healthier and detox a bit more… or am I doing it because I think it’s going to help me drop a few pounds before my Summer trip to Florida??? Motives matter.

I’ll check in if I decide to do my monthly weight in.