How Bad Do I Want It?

And what exactly do I want??? 

I’ve been thinking about this today. It’s been a rough fitness day. It’s hot. It’s blazing hot. The Heat Index this week is going to be well over 100 every single day. I’ve totally ditched running outside and I’m at the mercy of my very kind Hubs, who takes me to his gym for my Couch 25K runs. I finished Week 3, Day 3 today… so on to Week 4!

However, even the thought of running inside was too much for me today. I’m grumpy and irritable. I didn’t want to run. My Hubs even tried to get me to ditch the run today because of the heat. The whole way to the gym I just did NOT want to go. I walked into the gym and I did NOT want to be there. I got on the treadmill and I did NOT want to start. Nope… did NOT want any part of running today… but you know what, I got it done. I ran when I was supposed to run and I walked when I was supposed to walk… and I’m still grumpy and irritable… and it’s still horribly hot… but I got it done because that is what I committed myself to do. I don’t know if I’ll always make that choice, but today, I did. There’s a Crossfit meme, that, of course, I can’t find at the moment. It says something about doing it even after the excitement and newness has worn off. Boy, I lived that one today. 🙂

The other thing that’s been on my mind is what exactly do I want. I want to get healthy and I want to get fit. What does that mean? I had a conversation with someone dear to me and it really upset me. I met a new Crossfitter last night, a man, and when we compared our totals, I blew him out of the water. He’s a young marathon runner who’s only been doing Crossfit for a month. It makes sense that my numbers are higher. After nearly nine months, they better be! I was really excited about this, privately, and mentioned it several times to my dear person… who was less than enthusiastic about it. He wanted to make sure I didn’t boast in front of my new Crossfit friend. I didn’t. In fact, I repeatedly said to my new friend that he’s not going to believe how fast his lift totals are going to rise after just a few months. Mine did. 

My dear person wasn’t exactly negative about my ability to out lift a man, but he wasn’t exactly positive about it either. He did say that it probably wasn’t something I shouldn’t be boasting about, even in private. He also said, what would my Mother say. Eek! I know exactly what my Mother would say, and it wouldn’t be pretty. 

Now, I’m faced with all these thoughts about women lifters and that nasty stereotype. I’m insecure about whether my dear person is actually really truly okay with me being able to lift big, even though he says he is. I can assure you, I am NOT bigger at all since I started Crossfit. I’m much smaller all around. Even with the 15+ pounds of muscle I’ve gained, that’s all be offset by such big fat loss that I’m two sizes smaller. I’m not muscular since I still have a great deal of fat left to lose. I hope one day I will be, but right now, all you see is a smaller, fat person. Plus, there are many, many women in my gym who out lift the heck out of me all the way across the board. They are thin, muscular, and look pretty darn good. How can lifting be bad???

So… today, I’ve been thinking about what it is that I really want… health and fitness… and what that means in my life. Right now, it means Crossfit and trying to clean up my diet even more. Right now, it means doing my best to lift as much as I safely can, even if that number makes the people close to me uncomfortable. Hell yes, I’m proud of my 230 back squat and my 235 dead lift and my 105 strict press! Wouldn’t YOU be??? 

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One thought on “How Bad Do I Want It?

  1. I certainly would be proud of those numbers! They’re almost the same as mine, and I’ve been CrossFitting for over a year! And congrats on sticking it out and getting so far on your C25K – Meg and I did that program a while ago, and I know it’s NOT easy. Keep it up!

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